Eight Ways To Kill Someone Using An iPod Nano
Just in case your would be attacker gets too close…
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EIGHT WAYS TO KILL SOMEONE BY USING AN IPOD NANO,
ACCORDING TO EX-MARINE BRAD COLLUM.
1. Break it in half with yourhands (very easy to do) and use the glass viewing screen’s broken edgeas a razorblade to slice the jugular when they are looking the otherway.
2. Take off one sock(a dress or tube sock; pantyhose will work in a pinch), place the Nanoin the sock, swing it around as fast as you can (being careful to nothit yourself), and whack the intended target right on the temple.
3. Take thereflective shiny part and catch the sun’s ray and shine it in a vehicledriver’s eyes, or if you are at a rock concert and the lead singer isprancing around on a center stage that protrudes into the audience likea phallus, you can use the same technique.
4. The cord on the earbud headphones can be used to strangle someone. A knee in the back can give extra leverage.
5. Dig a pit about 5feet deep, then take about 15 3-foot-long stakes 2 inches in diameterand sharpen one end to a fine point, like a very sharp pencil. Jam thesticks at least a foot into the ground, with the sharp ends pointingup. Cover the hole with pine boughs, grass, and leaves. Treat the Nanolike a slice of cheese pizza in a deep, hot oven and place it gently inthe middle.
6. Carefullyunstaple a tea bag and pour the contents on a plate. Break into thelithium-ion battery pack and saturate the tea with the battery’spoison, then dry the tea in the sun (or with a hair dryer if you are ina hurry). Put tea back in tea bag and bend the staple back to itsoriginal position. Put the tea bag back where you got it.
7. Download to theNano “We’ve Only Just Begun” by the Carpenters. Tell someone you willgive him or her your Nano if they listen to that song a hundred timesin a row.
8. Hide the Nano in a bowl of lutefisk, then take it to the annual Norsefest Lutefisk Eating Competition in Madison, Minnesota.
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/6/23fleming.html
